Twenty — Sixteen

A glass of wine on a Wednesday night.
It can’t drown the feelings but it can numb the stress.
A new bouquet of flowers whenever I get lonely.
It won't bring us any closer but at least it’s something pretty to fill the space between us.
Writing, feeling, blooming.
Every night's a late night, catching my thrive in the darker hours.
Sleep when I can, can’t think about dreaming when I’m living in one.
Thinkin’.
Thinking ‘bout how words are so much more beautiful read than said.
Thinking ‘bout how the pain stays sweet when it stings like Tennessee Honey.
Thinking ‘bout you when I let my mind slip.
Something about loving and despising parts of each other at the same time.
Really let it spin out of control this time.

Thinking ‘bout when I let my mind slip.

Still living on those paychecks, added some zeroes to my bank account.
Money ain’t a thing for some freedom though.
I keep telling y’all I don’t smoke anymore, tonight I’m ‘bout to binge out.
Money ain’t a thing for some freedom though.
Fifty dollars a night at the local bar, switching up my liquors like I’m shifting gears.
Money ain’t a thing for some freedom though.
Racking up air miles on flights between homes, upgrading seats for the leg room.
Money ain’t a thing for some freedom though.
Ten-dollar rum-n-Cokes in plastic cups, dancing with a girl at the Thugger show.
Money ain’t a thing for some freedom though.
Sober enough that I don’t need the Uber, I’m just getting my rating up.
Money ain’t a thing for some freedom though.

Letting my mind slip.

Kissing someone new on midnight next year.
Never been the best at keeping streaks anyways.
Ain’t been in love for a few years.
Trying to shake the rust off.
Hit you up for the thrill ride.
Stayed around for the good times.
Circling weekends on my calendar.
But I don’t get planned for anymore.
Showed you all of my scars.
Made up stories for the ones I don’t remember getting.
Mapped out my whole body for you.
You know me like it’s your own skin.
But just a glimpse at what’s underneath.
They keep saying I changed up on them.
But they haven't even seen everything.
But I'mma keep quiet for a little while.
Take some time to get my composure straight.
I miss being a mystery, think I’ll hang around in the shadows again.
Loving me is loving what you can’t see.
Gotta stay away from the receiving end of my own sympathy.

Slippin’.

Friends keeping an eye on my back for me.
They’d fight a man for a stranger.
They know we’re all lost anyways.
Might as well be lost together.

Who’s telling y'all how to live your life right now?
Think I’d rather listen to someone else next year.
Feels like I’m ghostwriting my own feelings these days.
But this the last thing I write this year.
Self-realizations that I gotta keep to myself.
Women in my life that I can’t stay in touch with.
Falling in love with projections instead of people.
Romanticizing my introversion.
All of this time telling myself to embrace my flaws and I keep forgetting that I’m anything more than them.
Acting like just because time switches another number on the dial that I can just leave this all behind.
2017.
Trying on a new mask.